Communication
by minky-way
Summary: In which it's Mizuki who doesn't want to take the next step while Sei is running ahead
'Wanna come over later? I kinda got something I need to talk to somebody about'

'If it means free drinks, sure'

'Of course dude'

'Alright, like eight?'

'Yeah sure, I'll see you then I got people to stab with needles'

'and I've got hair to cut'

'women to flirt with more like'

'jealous'

He went to reply, to say he wasn't jealous because he was with Sei and he didn't need to flirt with anybody, especially not the horrific types Koujaku always attracted, but he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to get into that, not when things with him and Sei seemed so fragile lately, just ditching his coil as his two thirty appointment walked through the door with five minutes to spare.

Work was good, he had to concentrate so his thoughts couldn't stray far and if, and when, they inevitably did he could pause to wipe the fresh ink clean or to ask if the woman was okay, if she wanted a break or a drink or to shift positions. Work was very good and the buzzing of an incoming call from the very person he needed to push out of his head was easily ignored because her ribs weren't going to tattoo themselves and he prided himself on being professional.

* * *

But then he was done and he couldn't just ignore him, calling back and not sure if he was imagining the tension when he explained Koujaku was coming over so he couldn't spend the night, could barely call him babe as he always did even though he'd hated it at first. He could just apologise and offer to have him stay the next night, hope his talk with Koujaku would change things and it wouldn't end up so messily like always, say goodbye and feel like he was missing something.

* * *

Koujaku was true to his word, turning up at just gone eight, waving to some squealing girl he'd apparently accompanied to the store because 'it was getting dark', he ignored the fact he was there for a reason at first, just chatted and drank and shrugged when Mizuki pulled a red hair off his jacket even though the girl had been blonde.

But he wasn't stupid and he knew there was something off, in the way Mizuki couldn't stop moving around, cleaning and rearranging and wiping instead of drinking his coke because for some reason he didn't feel like getting drunk.

"So, what do you need to talk about?"

The noise he made wasn't enough of a sigh to distress anybody, but it was troubled enough that Koujaku grabbed his sleeve when he tried to reach for the cloth to wipe away a fictional fleck of dirt again, giving him that look.

"Dude, stop and talk to me. What's wrong? Did something happen with you and Sei? He's messaged you three times while I've been here and you've ignored him every time."

He paused then, he had to, to sit down behind the bar at a stool and wonder why they weren't in his apartment at the same time he remembered why, he didn't want to sully that place with his insecurities, not when Sei had a special place there. He didn't want anywhere Sei was to be tarnished with doubt.

"It's- I mean, yeah, it's about Sei but more… More about me."  
"Okay, so you had a fight or you don't like him anymore or what?"

"No, not that. Neither of those. He- Ugh, it's embarrassing, I guess?"

"Oh," he lowered his drink then, raising his eyebrows and for the shortest second of his existence Mizuki thought he knew somehow, magically, like Sei had talked and everybody knew and thought he was pathetic. "It's a sex thing."  
"Mm," not a happy sound, an uncomfortable one, because if he had a sex issue he'd normally just straight up ask, Koujaku wasn't enough of an asshole to mock him for something like coming to soon or realising he was into something a bit weird. "I guess. Or, it's not, a sex thing."

"He won't have sex with you?"

"No, that's not it."  
"You're gunna have to tell me if you want me to help, I'm not a mind reader."

He faltered, hesitated, choked on the words, on the truth that clogged up his brain and made him feel inadequate, selfish, like he was doing this to be cruel when the opposite was true, but he swallowed back the bile and spoke. "It's me. I don't."

"You don't?"

"Well, not I don't. I mean, I want to it's just… It's really hard to explain."  
"So try," he earned a grateful smile then and he relaxed into his seat, glad Koujaku was just listening, knowing this was distressing his friend and taking it seriously, nor judging or jumping to conclusions or labelling him weird.

"Okay," he had to stop again, and when had things become so stilted?, to arrange his mind into a logical order so he wouldn't just spew every thought he'd had. "He wants to, well maybe not have sex yet but other stuff, wants to mess around or whatever."  
The hairdresser inclined his head, because he knew that feeling, that obviousness that made Mizuki squirm like a worm pulled from the dirt, had felt it's horrible stare in badly hidden morning wood and kissing that went too far and resulted in fingers on his belt he didn't know how to kindly bat away.

"But I just keep stopping him, making excuses. He knows I'm hiding something, he's not stupid. I, It's making things weird with us, I don't know what he thinks but it can't be good. I hate it."

"So, I mean I don't get it. You've slept with loads of people, what's the issue now? You know he's not a virgin or anything, he dated Noiz, which is weird."  
"Yeah it is," they were in agreement that Sei having dated his twins current boyfriend was very strange, and this was one topic he knew his view on, but the thoughts that swirled in his mind were threatening to drive him mad and they wouldn't stay still. "I know, I know that but that's not the issue. I feel like I don't wanna rush him, which is stupid because he wants to so it's obvious now I wouldn't be. But… I really fucking like him Koujaku, like, more than anybody before. I don't want to screw it up."

"Mizuki, as sympathetic as I'd like to be here, he's not going to break up with you over a sub-par handjob, sorry to burst your bubble. And, I mean you have real reasons why you don't want to do anything, maybe you should tell him? He's probably as worried as you are."

"You think?"

He gave him the most incredulous look he'd ever seen on his face, running a hand through his fringe distractedly and Mizuki's eyes zoning into the ink there, wondering if he'd ever be brave enough to ask why he hid it. "Of course he will be. You've been together like three months now, right?"

"About that."

"Okay, so you're pretty solid, it's obviously not a dumb short thing or whatever. But every time he tries to get near you, you say no or push him way or whatever. It can't make him feel very nice even if you are doing it for kinda a nice reason."

"Oh, god, I'm really fucking this up. But it's like, once we've done whatever, it's like it's over. Like I can never kiss him for the first time again and it's like when we've done it we can never do it for the first time again ever and that's so soppy and gross and uggh!" His last noise, more of a groan than anything else was drowned out by the counter as he lowered his head onto it, deciding to stay there until he felt better. "I feel mushy."

He heard the hairdresser sigh almost exasperatedly and felt guilty, but then his hand came to rest on his head, ruffling his hair absently and thinking through his words before he spoke them, "you need to tell him this. Soon, before he misunderstands and you get into an argument and make things worse. Invite him over, tell him and see what he says, I bet he'll understand. He likes you too Mizuki, it's painfully obvious."

He tilted his head up, chin leaning on the counter and watching as Koujaku rolled his eyes, hand patting his head a couple of times before it retreated and wrapped around his drink again, "as in, message him now, invite him over tonight. There's not much I can do to help you really, you need to tell him you're not just repulsed by him or whatever."  
"Hm, he did ask if he could come over."  
"So do it. Now."

Mizuki obeyed, he wasn't quite sure why but he did, he had been selfish but not in the way he'd thought he was being, he had been so concerned by his own feelings that he hadn't even thought how badly his actions must be coming across to Sei. So he waved Koujaku off and read Sei's message saying he could be over in half an hour and just went back to his obsessive, unnecessary cleaning, feeling sick inside and bubbling with nervous tension.

* * *

It was tense, and he didn't like it, he didn't like how strained things felt when Sei started to yawn against his shoulder and he suggested they go to bed, he knew what that meant, it meant kissing and then he'd have to awkwardly fend him off because of his nervousness and he hated it.

So he spoke up, started things before Sei had kissed him even twice, he opened his mouth and wormed back a little so he could see him in the glow of his lamp, "Sei, I- I need to talk to you about something. Nothing bad, well, I mean it kinda is… But…" He didn't know how to finish, just sighed through his nose and bit his lip anxiously, worrying at the skin there and watched Sei's expression change, felt him tense a little under him and saw his eyes flicker all over him, reading his expression and calming down when he understood.

"I talked to Koujaku about it earlier, because it's been bothering me."  
"Is it to do with me?"

"Kinda, it's not anything you've done. It's me. I'm weird."  
"Weird how?"

"I- Ugh, this is going to get soppy probably. But like, you make me nervous," he could feel his frown against his skin even with the distance between them, sense the confusion in him as he said something that seemed so untrue, because yes at first they'd both been nervous but now they were comfortable around each other. "I don't want to fuck up but I feel like I am already and I- I need…"

"Mizuki, what are you fucking up?" His fingers were in his hair now, like Koujaku's had been earlier and he decided to follow his behaviour then, turning so his face was hidden, feeling somehow better now, squirming down to rest his head on Sei's stomach and staring off at the window.

"I'm pushing you away, whenever you try and undress me or mess about or whatever," his hand had stopped, buried in burgundy strands and hanging there awkwardly as Mizuki turned because no, he needed to see him for this, as embarrassing as it was and as awkward as he felt. "You must have noticed."  
He just nodded, small and uncertain, maybe taking the bartenders proximity as a comfort, because if he was going to break up with him surely he wouldn't still be so close with him, wouldn't have kissed him before or done anything like that. He didn't offer further comment and Mizuki was glad he didn't share his feelings on it, or hadn't yet, he didn't think he could deal with him saying it had hurt him as it must have been done.

"It's not," he had to sigh again and he didn't know how to word it, wondering if he'd be able to form more coherent, less mortifying thoughts than those he had told to Koujaku. "I know saying it's not you it's me is cliché but it really _is_ me. I, It's not that I don't want to or anything, or that I'm babying you. It's hard to explain, it's just like, I don't… Or I… Mm."

"Mizuki, tell me," his words were firm but spoken with warmth, curiosity just oozing through the edges and it was like something in the bartender snapped and it all came tumbling out far too fast and more badly worded than it had been to Koujaku, basically the opposite of what he was trying to do.

"I'm worried I'll fuck up or do something wrong and freak you out or that like things'll move too fast and one of us will be more invested which is horrible and I don't want to think that but it's happened before and I don't want it to ever again because it was so horrible. And I want it to be special because you're special and I want to show you that but that's really embarrassing and gross and cheesy and I'm not used to that with anyone I feel all mushy like a… A squashed peach or something."  
"I mean I'm just really nervous about it and I don't really know why but I guess I'm kinda scared about it cause I just really don't want to fuck up I feel like I'm seventeen all over again but worse because I was drunk then and I didn't like them much and my brain freaks out every time anything's happening and I feel all sick and my hands get shaky and I run away."

"And once I've touched you like that I'll never be able to do that for the first time ever again and now that I'm saying it aloud that sounds a bit creepy and horribly soppy but that's it so yeah. I just… I want everything to be perfect with you from now on. I don't want to fuck it up like I did with our first kiss."  
"Mizuki," he was still talking, muttering to himself more than anything now and rather too red where his ears poked out of his hair, only stopping when he spoke and breathing nervously into his chest. "Our first kiss was perfect, because it was you, okay?"  
"But it was awkward and I was really nervous and head-butted you before I even managed."

"Yes you did, you were all red and cute and you kept asking if I was okay and you were worried and it was very sweet. Then we tried again and you put your hands right on the small of my back the way I like and your lips were really soft and you got embarrassed afterwards and hugged me really tight and hid in my shoulder and I was really happy."

He opened his mouth to speak, probably just to whine actually, to try and elaborate on how it made him felt that Sei had remembered every little detail and it was really embarrassing to have it relayed so honestly but it made him feel stupidly happy too like a child with a requited crush.

"And Koujaku told me you'd been planning it for days but you hadn't been able to pluck up the courage in case you freaked me out and you hadn't smoked in case I could taste it and you kept chewing gum on you all the time just in case you'd eaten anything gross. I know you were nervous the next time too because you kept staring at me weird before you went home and lingered for a really long time before you did it and that was nice, because it meant it was important to you too."

He paused then, because sure it was a little exposing to talk about how amazing it had made him feel and how childishly he'd behaved the moment the door was shut and he was free to flail his arms and squeal like a cliché schoolgirl but Mizuki needed some reassurance right now. "And this is important to you and I'm sorry I didn't realise, okay? I didn't mean to make you feel pressured or anything, or to feel bad for making _me_ feel bad. I guess I figured because you've done it before with so many people you wouldn't be bothered."

"Why does everybody think I'm some kind of whore? I haven't slept with that many people."  
"How many?"

He didn't even consider not answering, he didn't see why it mattered since it was all in the past now and if Sei was questioning his levels of sluttishness he'd like to defend himself, "nine."

"Oh, that's less than I thought. But hey, means I'll get you into double figures."

Mizuki snorted then, amused at the bluntness of that, thinking that ten was a nice number to keep, hopefully for a very long time indeed, voice soft and genuine when he spoke, "yeah."

"But," his tone was stern as he gripped Mizuki's hand where it lay uselessly at his side, squeezing it hard but without hurting because he was only small and didn't have that much strength. "Not yet, we can take our time, okay? It's not like I'm going to die if I don't get to touch your dick or something."

The reassurance was a little lessened by that, just snorting and looking down, rolling his face into his stomach for a second and inhaling the scent of him, wondering how they'd gotten this comfortable together so fast. "Oh Jesus, I thought you were shy when I met you."  
"I'm afraid you know me far too well now."

"Hm, true. I just want to wait til… Well I don't know, til I feel more relaxed about it I guess. I really like you, like… really, like a whole lot. More than I like anyone. I just really like you." It was clunky and awkward but Sei was smiling and his fingers were scratching at his scalp, pausing for a second before resuming as Mizuki frowned and nudged his head up into his palm, silently asking him to resume.

"You can say you love me, Mizuki, I'm not going to freak out and run."

"Oh." He froze, because that was it, the _it_ that had been missing at the end of their phone calls, when he said goodbye or kissed him, or just lay there watching a movie with him and glanced over and felt that warmth, that contentedness. "Then yeah, that, I guess."

"Such a romantic," he was joking, but his smile faded into something more serious and he paused, looking away, past him at something behind him and for a second he felt horribly scared because Sei had always looked at him. But then his gaze had returned and he gestured for Mizuki to move, cuddling into him and squirming to get closer, winding himself around him and humming thoughtfully against his skin. His voice was a lot quieter when he spoke, "I don't think I've ever loved anybody before."

"Me neither, or not properly anyway," he hadn't really thought about that, hadn't considered it with that word so solidly until Sei let him know it was okay to use, only then had he realised that yeah he really did love him. "It's kinda scary."  
"Hm, doesn't have to be. We can do things at our own pace, okay? I wish you'd just told me you were scared, I would have stopped trying. I feel like a dick now."

"It's fine, at least you know I don't want to break up with you or anything now," Sei seemed surprised by that and Mizuki supposed he shouldn't make assumptions, regarding his dark eyes curiously as he frowned then spoke.

"I didn't think that, I thought you'd tell me eventually what was wrong, I was just waiting until you did. Took your time though," he was joking, a little bit if not completely, pouting and sticking out his bottom lip, tempting Mizuki to poke it with a finger so it rapidly returned to a much preferred warm smile.

"Sorry."

* * *

When it did happen it wasn't perfect, it was messy and happened on his damned couch, there were no rose petals or romantic music playing, Mizuki still had one of his socks on and Sei's hair got in his mouth at least three times because he refused to let him tie it up, stating he liked touching it. It was a bit rushed and he didn't get nearly enough time to touch Sei's bare skin, but Sei laughed when Mizuki nearly rolled him off the couch and it sounded so pretty when he cut it off with a moan.

So sure it wasn't what he'd had pictured but he'd always been a closet romantic and Sei seemed to guess where his thoughts were going as they lay together in the afterglow, tracing nonsensical patterns into the skin of his chest.

"You know," he started slowly and Mizuki snapped back to right now, tracing the curves of Sei's body and wondering if he was so pale all his veins showed through the skin or if it was that his veins were just very dark, either way, it was pretty. "If that wasn't perfect enough we could always just do it again."

And through his giggles at Mizuki's worn out, incredulous look he supposed that he should have realised that from the start.


End file.
